PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Kyle Shillington was seen surveying his neighborhood in hopes of confirming that a feral cat that bit him survived the ordeal, skeptical locals have confirmed.
“I never had a pet growing up, so it seemed like fate had brought us together when I met him at the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant next door. contact with slightly expired Cheetos and Red Bulls all year when he stood up and bit me with what looked like extreme meanness I want to be mad but I’m 99% sure I’m coming to sentence him to death once he broke his skin,” Shillington said. “It’s been two weeks and I haven’t seen a trace of him since. new place to go, but if we’re being realistic, the fact that I have all three forms of hepatitis doesn’t bode well for this little furry guy.
Shillington’s housemate expressed concern for the cat’s welfare days before the incident happened.
“Between the elements, the food shortage and avoiding cars all day, I never thought this cat’s fate would be decided by a guy who views eating fruit as conformist. I told him that a feral cat was the last thing we needed hanging around the house and that would only end in someone dying, and he sure shit wouldn’t be one mice living in the garden,” said Tim Platz. . “He’s never loaded, so one drop of blood and that cat must have had instant alcohol poisoning. Kyle has a good heart, but breeding isn’t in his wheelhouse. Last year, animal control came and took his ferret after neighbors found him covered in wood glue, trying to heat their car.
The local ASPCA has reported an alarming increase in the number of animals falling prey to human afflictions, putting entire counties at risk.
“It’s six degrees of bullshit these days. The other day I brought in a dog that had rabies because he had bitten a guy who had been bitten by a raccoon! We have had to put down so many animals that have bitten someone not because they are dangerous to society, but because they have contracted poliomyelitis. Thanks, anti-vaxxers,” volunteer vet Ashlee Smith said. “With this cat though, our best-case scenario is that when he dies he won’t make it near or into the local water supply. The last thing we need is a 28-day plus situation.” late” because a crust punk didn’t shower for six months.
As of press time, Shillington was relieved to learn his feline friend was alive, after reports of a cat matching the same description were found in the nearby town and killed several people.